Miss O
The Pursuit of Emotional Intimacy
Regardless of sexual orientation, background, or desire, isn’t our pursuit ultimately emotional intimacy? We search for someone who completes, mirrors, and challenges us, someone whose presence consumes our thoughts, the last thing on our minds at night and the first in the morning. We long to share every moment, every thought, to be ourselves, loved, liberated, and accepted.
“If someone is truly in love, why would they desire anyone else?”
The Rarity of Deep Connections
But how often do these connections come along? Once, twice, maybe four times in a lifetime? Are we wired to fall in love with only one person at a time, or can we serve more than one Master? This raises a broader question: If someone is truly in love, why would they desire anyone else? Or, put differently, within the realm of open relationships, have we simply not found the right person yet?
Polyamory vs. monogamy, open vs. closed. Can a profound emotional connection and intimacy truly coexist with multiple partners?
Exploring Polyamory, Fantasy vs Reality
The idea of a utopian commune inhabited by sexually liberated kinksters presents an enticing slice of unconventional paradise. Whether indulging in a hedonistic ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ lifestyle of uninhibited sexual exploration, navigating a polyamorous dynamic, engaging in a clandestine love affair, arrangement, or simply embracing friends with benefits, we find ourselves on a less trodden path.
In such a setting, the Dom-sub culture can seamlessly align with the concept of polyamorous groups. Imagine a commanding dominant at the core of the Citadel, with numerous slaves dutifully complying with their every will and desire. But can this fantasy truly translate into reality?
The Reality of Polyamory
Polyamory can present a certain mystique and cult-like seduction, an enchanting wonder when observed from the outside in. However, upon closer inspection, the layers can reveal suffering. From my experience, rarely do all parties find simultaneous happiness and contentment.
Categorizing or compartmentalizing people can become as prevalent as it is challenging, as attachments shift, alliances form, and competition emerges. The desire to be chosen and the fear of abandonment become recurring themes, echoing former familial dynamics.
“At worst, our attributes can become cherry-picked, or foundation-less tasks render punishments meaningless.”
Dominance and submission in any asymmetrical relationship structure at best demonstrate potential. For a dominant, the urge to explore tantalizing limits and boundaries grows stronger. As a submissive, resistance becomes futile, as we embark on a daunting journey of relinquishing control. We become vulnerable and exposed before an increasingly powerful presence, succumbing to something greater than ourselves.
Yet, without foundational support, this dynamic will inevitably reach a point of no return. It might take months or even years, but a D/s relationship demands equality. If the balance of investment is skewed, failure becomes inevitable; the only uncertainty is when.
The Risks of Imbalance
At worst, our attributes can become cherry-picked, or foundation-less tasks render punishments meaningless. Consistency erodes as variety takes precedence, reducing the relationship to a ‘scene’ or ‘session’, due to minimal investment and lack of desire beyond those moments. We might find we have become compartmentalised without our consent, all of us contributing parts of a whole we are unable to escape.
Jealousy And Fear, The Monsters In The Dark
While it appears that few are willing to embrace emotions like jealousy or acknowledge their needs, with some insisting on outright comparison (often echoed unsurprisingly by the primary), one might wonder if these individuals are genuinely in touch with their emotions. Is their liberation so profound it becomes safer to feign indifference, deny, or opt for connections that shield them from vulnerability, and so-called negative emotions?
Trusting and being vulnerable with one person is an intense experience, where the stakes are higher than spreading oneself within a group or among others. Yet, societal conditioning often leads us to believe the opposite. The challenges arise as suppressed or shattered expectations dissipate, gradually revealing the source of the wound, or the heart of the issue.
“We may perceive ourselves as the epitome of social and sexual revolution, convinced of our success where others have faltered; boasting transparency, communicativeness, liberation, non-judgment, and generosity.”
This leads us to the subsequent challenge rooted in honesty. How can we be transparent with others and navigate the complexities of the group dynamic, (which functions as an entity in its own right), when we struggle to be entirely truthful with ourselves?
We may perceive ourselves as the epitome of social and sexual revolution, convinced of our success where others have faltered; boasting transparency, communicativeness, liberation, non-judgment, and generosity. However, beneath this facade can lie a melting pot of poor boundaries, unmet expectations, unrealistic goals, and breakdowns in communication, challenges that even the best among us contend with.
Perhaps the issue also lies in having deprioritised ourselves by initially accepting and maintaining the role we find ourselves in. Whether it’s willingly embracing the position of an affair partner, lover, non-primary, or, in the context of poly relationships, being designated as the 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc. Regardless of whether we consciously embraced this role, or naively believed we could ascend through the ranks over time; given that people and circumstances evolve, the question still arises: Does it ever truly unfold as anticipated? Or, by default, have we set the precedent?
Furthermore, particularly when stemming from a foundation of sacrifice driven by love, is our contribution even appreciated, or worse, taken for granted? In effect, have we signed our own death warrant?
Adding the layer of D/s complexity into the mix, submission in a non-primary relationship demands even more delicate care and understanding. The expected and freely given attitude of surrender in this scenario, despite the inherent vulnerability, may lead to a situation where you find yourself giving everything to a partner who reciprocates far less. Prompting contemplation on whether any real D/s relationship can function, let alone flourish, outside a primary position.
Monogamy In A Non-Commital Era
Regardless of sexual orientation, with labels like ENM (ethical non-monogamy) now commonplace, our relational landscape has changed. Instead of a journey with largely understood expectations and long-term shared goals worthy of investment, dating and relating have become a minefield of widespread non-commitment coupled with an aversion to anything remotely monogamous.
The Stigma of Monogamy
Being considered ‘needy’ is treated as if it’s some kind of disease, in favour of a plethora of labels demonstrating one’s liberal attitudes and superior emotional maturity. But do these labels genuinely align with our desires?
On the flip side, the preference or pursuit of monogamy can send potential suitors running for the hills. They are accustomed to their freedoms, whether exercised or not, and may feel cheated out of reaching that point themselves.
The Diminishing Appeal of Imposed Freedom
When freedom, or its imposition, become expected, it loses its appeal and power. Similarly, in the realm of D/s dynamics, submission is a choice. Wouldn’t you become resentful if your collar was never removed, as opposed to it being your choice to wear it? Or your dominance mandatory rather than gifted? Shouldn’t we opt to be open or monogamous by our own volition, rather than having these ‘ethical’ aspects imposed on us?
Imposed monogamy can feel stifling, particularly in an era where openness and polyamory are flaunted as the new norm. But does monogamy really scream insecurity? Or does it actually stem from a place of strength, respect, and commitment?
The Evolution of Commitment in Relationships
Traditionally, commitment, marriage, and children were part of the natural progression of dating. One didn’t need to explicitly state these expectations. However, in today’s world, being forthright or having expectations isn’t as simple.
Casual dating apps have played a significant role, transforming the pursuit of genuine connections into a dying art form. Why invest in creating meaningful relationships when we can swipe right for a casual encounter or convey feelings through emojis instead of engaging in meaningful communication? The consequences are profound, contributing to an increasing and pervasive loneliness epidemic.
Navigating Open Relationships – Lessons Learned
Within the complexity of open relationship dynamics, the foundation lies in meeting expectations, where understanding each other’s love languages becomes paramount. Time allocation transforms into valuable love currency, acknowledging time as the most precious gift we can offer.
As these connections typically operate at a reduced or limited primary relationship capacity, individuals willingly accept these unspoken conditions as part of the arrangement. Unless in a primary role, one may struggle with the challenges of navigating holidays, birthdays, weekends, and the inevitable moments when personal support is needed, often finding oneself alone.
The Emotional Toll of Open Relationships
Another challenge arises from the inherent differences in experience and emotional maturity levels. Unlike a one-size-fits-all, the disparity between expectations and realities in these conditions raises questions about whether the utopian ideal can ever be ethically and happily achieved.
“Once we’ve crossed the Rubicon into open relationships, can we ever truly return to monogamy?”
Open relationships act as teachers, though they may lack sympathy, empathy, or humour. They offer lessons in humility, understanding, compassion, empowerment, honesty, and improved communication. Through these connections, deep friendships, whether intimate or platonic, can develop. They can also teach you to loosen your hold on love, allowing it to return and choose you willingly.
However, they can also leave you feeling profoundly disoriented and isolated, with minimal support, as others may not comprehend, pass judgment, or offer sympathy. I’ve witnessed marriages dissolve and lives torn apart in the name of progressive openness or polyamory, where the reality of opening up one’s relationship signifies the beginning of a slow and extracted end.
Crossing The Rubicon – Freedom And Security In Relationships
From my own experience, I’ve found the intensity and profound connection experienced in a loving primary relationship unmatched. In such an environment, concepts like consensual non-consent and total power exchange can thrive, although there may be rare exceptions to this observation. However, with each additional connection we open ourselves to, the potential for that deep bond becomes diluted as support structures naturally diminish.
Balancing Freedom and Commitment
After indulging in the fruit of knowledge and revelling in these freedoms and choices, a crucial question arises: Does it not come at a tremendous cost? And once we’ve crossed the Rubicon into open relationships, can we ever truly return to monogamy?
While openness to a certain extent is undoubtedly attractive, so is security. Reflecting on my own journey through these dynamics, I neither fear nor solely commit to openness or monogamy, I have experienced both. To me, true power lies in the ability to choose, but while I may have the potential to please many, I can only truly serve one.
Conclusion
In most cases, people don’t act out of malice or with the intent to harm. The oversight I’ve encountered within complex relationships often stems from ignorance, inexperience, or a lack of emotional intelligence. Many simply lack the capacity to navigate the relational structures they find themselves in. Relating is a skill we aren’t adequately taught; often, we’re thrown into the deep end when we’re young and left to figure things out as we grow. We need connection to survive, and perhaps even more to thrive.
Although I have yet to see polyamory flourish in my own experience, that doesn’t mean it isn’t thriving elsewhere. I’m still a sceptic but I remain open to being proven wrong. I’m genuinely interested in hearing your thoughts on polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and particularly how BDSM can seem to accentuate the dynamics of poly relationships.
