Miss O
With nervous anticipation, we picture our upcoming date, hoping they’ll be the one, the kinky soulmate we’ve been searching for. We dream of our perfect Dom, sub, or kinkster, imagining someone who will seduce, devour, and consume us with just a look. And of course, we’re hoping they look as good as, or even better than, their heavily filtered profile picture from ten years ago. You know, the one taken from that magic angle when they still had hair and before that unfortunate incident involving the antique dresser, latex catsuit, and the nipple clamps.
Yet, as many of us have painfully learned, unless we’re incredibly lucky or the exception to the rule, we often have to kiss a few frogs. If regular dating wasn’t already treacherous enough, kinky dating adds an extra layer of complexity. It’s like searching for a needle in a haystack, not just for a match, but for that rare spark of sexual compatibility on top of a vanilla connection.
How often do our expectations of meeting a fierce, commanding presence morph into the surprise of encountering something entirely unexpected and, well, a bit different?
Kinky Dating: What Every Newbie Needs (Including a Good Excuse to Leave)
Navigating the world of kinky dating can be nerve-racking and exciting, but it also comes with its own set of unique challenges and considerations. Whether you’re dipping your toes into the BDSM scene for the first time or just looking for some helpful tips, this list is designed to keep you safe, prepared, and confident as you explore your desires.
Codeword Safety System
Instead of relying solely on a safe call or message, establish a specific, incongruous codeword with your friend or trusted person. If this word isn’t included in your “everything’s fine” message, they should immediately call the police. This strategy ensures that even if you’re forced to make a safe call or SMS under duress, your backup knows you’re in trouble and can act accordingly.
Restraints Rule
Never use bondage or restraints on a first date or session. If you must, opt for easily escapable options like scarves or ties, unless you know the person well or have solid references. Patience is a virtue; there’s no need to rush into everything all at once. Establishing trust takes time.
Pre-Date Recon
Help calm pre-date nerves by familiarising yourself with the venue beforehand. Check out the menu and plan what you might eat or drink to avoid any awkward moments. Make sure to look up the dress code, and unless you’re meeting at a kinky venue, leave the fetish gear and chunky collars at home.
Packing a Small Kit
Include a spare pair of pants, wet wipes, a small bottle of water, gum or mouth freshener, and a snack bar. You never know when you might need them, whether for a wardrobe malfunction, an unexpected sleepover, playtime, or just a quick refresh. Being prepared is always the best approach.
Ease Into Dynamics
Never jump straight into Dom/sub mode on a first date. Subs, remember that you hold power, and Dominants, understand that your partner didn’t automatically consent to submission and visa-versa. Both roles are earned and require mutual consent. Take the time to get to know each other before establishing dynamics in person.
Guard Your Identity
Keep real names, especially surnames, private on a first date. In the BDSM community, it’s considered impolite to ask for details like name, location, and occupation due to privacy concerns. Keep things on a need-to-know basis until trust is established.
Be Skeptical of “Ethical” Labels
Just because someone claims to be an “ethical non-monogamist” or “ethical polyamorist” doesn’t mean they actually understand or practice ethical behavior. It’s easy to label yourself, but actions speak louder than words. Approach these claims with caution, ethics aren’t just a tagline. After all, it’s not much different than claiming to be an ethical stalker or conscientious shoplifter.
Plan Your Exit Strategy
Have an exit plan ready. Whether it’s making plans afterward or setting a time when you want to leave, having a strategy takes the pressure off. You can always change your mind and stay longer if things go well.
Know Your Limits
If play is on the table, have a prepared list (mentally or physically) of your limits, boundaries, medical conditions, tolerance levels, and likes/dislikes. This ensures that both you and your partner are on the same page and can have a safer, more enjoyable experience.
Build Genuine Connections
The more you share and get to know someone, the deeper and more meaningful your connection will be. Take your time to build trust and rapport before diving into play or deeper commitments.
People Can Be Deceptive
Remember, people can lie, embellish, bend, or omit the truth. Stay alert and keep your wits about you. Trust is earned, not given freely.
Understand Dominance
Make sure your date understands that being Dominant isn’t just a personality trait; it’s a role that comes with responsibility and care. Don’t make the mistake of assuming someone knows what they’re doing just because they say they’re a Dom.
Establish a Safe-Word System
Decide on a safe-word system before play begins. The traffic light system (red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go) is popular, but some people even use green to indicate enthusiastic consent. Also, have hand signals ready for situations where verbal communication might not be possible.
Put the Phone Away
Put your phone on silent, turn it upside down, and ignore it during your date. Using your phone in front of someone, especially on a first date, is rude and dismissive. Give your full attention to the person in front of you.
Practice Patience
Don’t rush the process. Good things take time, and in the world of kink, patience is key to building trust and ensuring that all parties are comfortable.
Polyamory Pitfalls
Poly dating can be a maze, who’s dating who now? Be careful not to put your foot in your mouth by making assumptions or stepping on toes. Clear communication is crucial.
Avoid Talking About The Ex
Whatever you do, don’t talk about your ex. It’s a surefire way to kill the mood and make your date uncomfortable. Keep the focus on the present and what you’re building together.
Bring Protection
Always bring condoms, and don’t forget them for toys, too. Safety should never be an afterthought, regardless of your plans for the evening.
Watch Your Drinks
Keep an eye on your drinks and try not to leave them unattended. If you need to step away, like to the restroom, do so when your glass is empty or take it with you. Better safe than sorry.
You Don’t Owe Anything
Just because someone bought you dinner or drinks doesn’t mean you owe them anything in return. Consent is always required, and you should never feel pressured to do something you’re not comfortable with.
Meeting Strategies
Before the first meet, always exchange numbers to call or text and establish which method you’ll use beforehand. Make sure your phone is fully charged or bring a battery pack. Relying only on email can be risky, especially in case of delays or mix-ups, like when three people show up wearing the same outfit.
Holding something like a colourful umbrella, coffee flask, or distinctive bag can help narrow down possibilities in crowds. Meeting outside of a station, bus stop, venue, or foyer is usually clearer unless you have a specific table or seats booked. If you do, use a pseudonym.
Stay Hydrated
Take a small bottle of water or fluids with you. Meeting someone for the first time, especially on a date, can be nerve-wracking, so it’s good to have something to sip on if your mouth gets dry.
And Lastly: A Small Mirror Can Be A Lifesaver
Once, during a make-or-break dinner out with my then paramour, we had recently argued, and this evening was meant to be a turning point.
After a few heated hours filled with emotion, negotiation, truths, laughs, and tears, he finally confessed something right at the end. I had a big piece of lettuce (from the starter) stuck to my forehead the entire time.
Embracing the Kinky Chaos
In the wild world of kinky dating, expectations often clash spectacularly with reality. Whether you’re envisioning a dashing lion or finding yourself face-to-tentacle with an unexpected octopus, remember that the journey is as unpredictable as it is exciting. Embrace the quirks, laugh at the surprises, and don’t be afraid to enjoy the ride. After all, the best stories are often the ones that didn’t go as planned. So pack that spare pair of pants, stay curious, and keep your sense of humour at the ready.
Here’s to the delightful chaos of finding love, or at least a memorable date and maybe even a new friend, in the wonderfully weird world of kink!
Interesting, where can I join??